Summer, 2026

21st of August, Friday

Dear Ave,

Yesterday was papa’s death anniversary. I was at work.

mid June to July was not good ma, but it taught me a lot.

From speaking up to my senior colleagues about a process that I found vague, finding out that there’s no more budget for the job I’ve worked hard for for 2 years from my boss’ boss, still heading back to work, having a meltdown everyday when I was at home, sleeping more, feeling fuzzy-headed, to applying for a new job last minute while crying, interviewing well (“honestly, you blew us away; you were so calm and knowledgeable…”-panelist, when she called me to tell me I’d gotten the job), and handing in my resignation letter, all while having 2 periods in July, and a temperamental left foot pain that comes and goes (GP thinks it’s a ganglion cyst?), to hearing lots of noises from other people and me shutting in and overthinking in my head, being caught up with zodiac/horoscope that told me that it was time for a big change for a Sagittarius’………. it’s a lot. And I sit here in Kemptown bookshop, having just finished my ILS pre MCQ course online, I’ve realised that I haven’t stopped.

I have been taking swimming lessons, started doing pilates, running regularly, going out more this summer… continuing to read, finding inspiration in anime and series/dramas/books, keeping in touch with friends, attended a beloved colleague’s funeral, all the while planning holidays, cute aggression-ing Riverbeans, loving Tom, catching up with friends, living life… the days went by, I lived the drama, I lived all the emotions. and yet here I am. I am well, I am writing, I am still here.

I need to stop punishing myself for your death ma. and I need to find myself again. A blessing in disguise, this work drama thing is. But also, I made it bigger than it is. But I am glad I did, everything seems clearer now. I am more than my job. I am who I am. I am Hershey.

I wrote this on my diary this morning: Never let anyone dull your light. You know who you are, you know what you can do, you know who your people are. Everything else is just noise. and it’s true.

When you died, I felt like a big part of me disappeared. And I remember feeling like I’d lost myself, who I was. And now I’m realising again who I am. I am my own person, without you. You will always be with me, but I was myself, whole, even when you were alive. You were an extension of me, not within me. and this is what I’m learning now. Truly moving on, with you, Papa, Harold, with me but not me. As if you’re giving me permission to be my own self. And I will take the call. I will always be your daughter, a sister, but I am first and foremost me.

I am grateful for this part of my life. I’ve realised how resilient I am, and how gracious, and how even though I am pessimistic I am fundamentally hopeful. I have my own thoughts, I have my own view of the world, and yet I respect and understand other POVs. I have my own standards, and can get rude when I’m stressed, but I am self-aware and I know when to apologise, and I like to think I am curious, open-minded, willing to learn, and not afraid to make mistakes and own up to it.

I think I am proud of myself Ma. It took a long time, but here I am now, writing it, not being humble about it. At this point and time in my life I am proud of myself.

I hope you guys are, too. And I hope you are happy up there playing mahjong and eating lechon. I am fine down here. And I will be fine, no matter what happens. I have Tom, I have my brain, my heart, my friends, and myself. This is what I’ve realised. I’m meant to live, feel, write, create, do, love, think. I am meant to be here, and you made sure of it.

Thank you. Always.

I’ve just finished listening to The Courage to Be Disliked. This is a book that I’ve read years ago and picked up again this summer. And it states there that life has no meaning, and that the meaning of life is the meaning we create for it. And life for me right now means: being able to fall asleep and wake up next to Tom, being able to cuddle River, being able to have friends who I can talk with about anything, being able to go to coffee shops and write, being able to think and speak up for myself, being able to find pleasure and fulfilment with work, being able to meet different people and converse with them and have good relationships with them, being able to feel things deeply, being able to change my mind about things, being able to be inspired by other people’s work, and being able to rise to life’s changes in my own way. I am strong, and made stronger by the people who surrounds me and loves me. I love expressing my thoughts, creating, writing, thinking. I guess I love being me. ?Have I accepted myself? Maybe. This is something that comes with time. And I guess this is my time.

I’ve realised that one of my greatest skills is the ability to change my view on things, my ability to doubt the story that I’ve created for myself, my ability to talk things through from different perspectives, and my ability to be curious and look for answers and accept that sometimes, there are no answers. That it is all a process. And like Tom has always said, I should enjoy the process. it is important and imperative to enjoy the process.

There is no destination; there is only the journey, and this everything is all part of the journey.

I see that now.

Love,

Your daughter

Hershey