Dear Ave,

How are you? It’s been a while. I know you’re in a different state now, probably unable ever to answer that question I just asked but I still ask it like a fool. And I wish you are happy, or whatever it is you’re supposed to be when you’ve gone over the other side.

I haven’t talked/thought about you very much Ma, and I’m sorry. I just distract myself and stress over work. The past two weeks were horrendous, and I’ve taken a sick day off today due to work-related stress, and there, I admit it, I give up today. I refuse to go into that place I have to plaster a fake smile in the morning and get through that day, like I’ve been doing for the past few months.

In hindsight these 2 weeks were not particularly great but probably this all got started when I got the cold in the first two weeks of October for two weeks, resulting in me not being able to attend ALS which was one of the things I wanted to accomplish this year. And then I was not able to apply for other jobs like ENP, band 7 inside which were all options for me. To be honest I really miss looking after patients.

I also did a social media cleanse. I deleted instagram and haven’t looked at it for 4 weeks now. Probably I am having social media withdrawal because I feel like I’ve lost all “routine” in my day and my head feels blank in the morning. I don’t even know if this is good for me as instagram was where I was able to express myself and entertain my friends and I was always happy being on insta, but I did realise the harm it was giving me as I was scrolling there.

So maybe it’s all of these factors, all together. I know I am too hard on myself. but let me list down the things that have happened, as evidence that I am not a weak person and that I really have had a rough time recently,

1. cold in the first two weeks of October, not being able to do ALS, or apply to potentially other jobs (but did I really want to?) this cold was weird and it seemed like one day I was fine and then the next I wasn’t. had to leave work early on the 24th due to sneezing again and then had sore throat upon waking up for 3 days early November
2. Incident at work with and colleague. Hangry. tearful talk. glad we talked it through though.
3. Nazi making me feel unappreciated at work
4. New nurses rotation, expectation and etc
5. the whole week palava from 3rd of November when I had to change back my shift as I thought my appt time was that week and ended up being the next week, went to ED twice to have bloods taken and then say goodbye to someone
6. Keep having headache
7. Working with colleague, blocking patients
8. new streaming pathway told to us on Friday, started on Monday with no consideration for extra staff
9. UCC pat meeting- icing on top of cake

all other things! so I’m not mental. And you know, you’re still dead and your birthday is coming up and Harold is dead and his birthday is coming up, too.

Angry. I have a rage inside of me. I think I am depressed? but I don’t know. I just use work to distract me. There was a yellow butterfly in our bedroom for two days Ma. October 29 (but maybe it’s Tom’s nan Stella as she was yellow). I dreamt of you and Papa on the 25th of October, and then I dreamt of Harold 8th of November.

Weird dreams

physically not 100 percent

stopped social media

work stressors

your birthdays coming up

but there were good things too

well-being therapy

badminton

having a boss who listens and lets you be honest

Aji asking me about my social media which was hilarious

that talk with Ahmit? Ahmed about his auntie dying in the middle of a busy corridor (not good but it was a weird moment when I connected with someone I’ve just met)

Ahmad’s message on insta

that traitors ending

the great British sewing bee

Taryn and stef at the trading post

tom always making me laugh

my health not deteriorating

I’ve just opened WhatsApp and read through work messages!!! I am hopeless Ma.

Please guide me ❤ I miss you, papa and Harold.

Love,

Hershey