Dear Ave,

Yesterday I dreamt that I was hospital, feeling short of breath. As the dream went on, I felt more and more short of breath. Tom has a video of pinching my cheek and nose and me not waking up. I only woke up when he called my name. I was laying on the couch, my head on his lap, in a deep sleep, snoring, right after dinner.

Harold must be wherever you are now, or on the way to you. If the whole 49-day, 100-day belief that our family upholds is true, then his soul is still here, and things must be done to make sure his soul goes up to Chinese Buddhist heaven.

It’s all happened so quickly. Him having his cardiac arrest, me flying off to Manila, seeing his sleeping face, seeing Michelle, attending his wake, seeing friends and family, doing all the rituals, going through the motions, cremating him, bringing his ashes and picture at Thousand Buddha Temple.

We did this all a year and a 4 months ago.

Yesterday I cried, a proper cry. I cried for Papa, you, Harold and myself. I cried and cried and this was how I really felt. It felt visceral. I cried and felt all the loss. I cried like I have never done before, a way that I didn’t know I could. I felt things that I haven’t felt before. I called your name I have never heard myself do so before. And suddenly I heard a voice in my head, “Bangon ka”. Stand up. It felt like it was you.

But how much longer can I keep standing up?

It feels like there’s nothing to look forward to anymore.

But I’m trying to stay positive, because that’s the only way to be right now.

Never mind that I found out that Facebook deleted all my live wedding videos and it seems to be irretrievable. Another loss. Not the same, but a loss nonetheless. A loss that broke something more in me. (I watched them earlier this year and was smiling/laughing all the way).

So let me list down things that I am grateful for.

I have 5 other siblings who are alive.

I have Tom.

I have work and permanent shelter.

I have lots of cute nieces and nephews.

Kpop Demon Hunters

Mav. My nieces and nephews.

My health (despite all the meds I’m on).

Sabrina Carpenter’s vinyl album.

I woke up today.

……..