Dear Ave,

How are you ma?

I seem to be swinging between days of self sabotage and days of productivity. Yesterday I didn’t do any exercise. Worse, I ordered Deliveroo twice and put it on credit card. I didn’t feel especially sad. Just tired and demotivated, and nothing could’ve made me get on the treadmill.
Today, I did a 3.5km run on the treadmill, total of 4.7km of being on it. I finished the draft of my work e-mail but I am still thinking if it’d be a good idea to send it. I cleaned the toilet. I went out, and now I am in Marmalade having coffee. I finished a training on IRIS, the hospital e-education platform. Generally I feel better today. I guess payday compounds the sunny spring days and takes you out of your low mood.

Ma, I keep having doubts. At work, do I say whatever I want to say, be proactive and be involved/raise concerns on everything that I think is an issue? Or should I stay quiet? I keep shifting between wanting to steamroll at work or caring less and letting everything affect me less. But to be honest, I do care. I do care and I have things to say and I want to say them. This has been me, for who knows how long now. I never could’ve imagine that little Hershey, so meek and voiceless at home, could be like this now. I guess it’s no different–I am still a coward, I still doubt myself so much and find it difficult to vocalise my opinion without fear. I always feel like what I say is not too important, or people would think differently of me if I say this or send this e-mail. But you know me, I’ve made strides. I have been vocal, I have expressed my opinions and here, I am able to use my love of writing to fully express my thoughts and how I feel.

So I guess I just wanted to know. As someone who does not believe in change and constantly tell Tom, that people don’t really change, I myself have changed. I’ve grown. And a big part of this growth is of course, the move to another country, but also everything that has happened in my life, including the loss of you and Papa.

Love,

Hershey