Dear Ave,

It’s been 6-7 weeks since I last wrote. I tried to write “How grief feels like during the festive season” but for some reason it’s still sitting on my draft, and I feel like it’s something that I might never finish. January came with its cold chill and I think of you less now. Not like before, where it felt like you were on my mind every single day. I think it started mid-December. I couldn’t help but feel wrapped up with all the Christmas lights and holiday spirit, and I was happy Ma. At some point I felt guilty because it hasn’t even been a year and yet I am continuing to celebrate the first Christmas with you gone and a new year ahead. It felt disloyal, do I not love you enough, how can I feel happy during this time? Shouldn’t I be crying all the more? But to be honest my days were dotted with your loss; but I think my mind chose to not focus on it; my mind chose to forget and do whatever it takes to live and go through my first Christmas without you or Papa.

And now here I am, mid-January. Like everyone else, I made my new year’s resolutions but I am proud to say (haha) that I have not done much. I said I would limit my carbs, last week I ate rice every single day, and I have been eating to my heart’s content and to my stomach’s protests since then. I have a few plans this year (learn how to drive, go to a different country, etc) and I know most of them I will be able to do, which gives me joy. But I don’t think I have the same excitement for them as I did before.

The thing that keeps me distracted is work. Machine-like, stressful, work-my-self-to-the-ground work. I put my mind and body to the limit every time I am at work, and I know that this has been what I have been doing since I came back after your death. I have used work to cope, to distract, to make me feel better about myself. And ma, I have heard that I am doing well. So well. But of course, this does not feel like an accomplishment. I never learned how to celebrate small wins, and even now I feel like I cannot take full credit for my work. It’s been only 5 months but I feel like I have proven myself over and over again and yet there is still something to prove, something to do, for me to feel some kind of glory.

I do feel happiness Ma. In everyday things. I have started a gratitude journal, but sometimes I feel like it just heightens those moments that I have a bad day. And there are more good days than bad. However I have been able to catch myself when I am ruminating over something bad that happened yesterday and I think I need to be better at catching myself and changing my thought process. And I will say this– I am proud at those times that I did. they are rare, but they did happen.

Ma, you know I married Tom last year. I know this for a fact- that you were there during my wedding, that somehow you made that day beautiful and sunny and glorious. And he continues to give me laughter, joy, love and silliness that makes life easier. Tom loves me fully and accepts me exactly for who I am, and I know I will have happy days ahead with him. Please look after us from above all the time and guide us in our life.

Ma, please give me a sign if we will be good parents.

Say hi to Papa for me. and Auntie Lina. and everyone else up there with you.

Love,

your daughter Hershey