Dear Ave,

This week was weird. I felt like I had been waiting for this week to arrive. Your birthday came, and I busied myself with preparing food offerings. I got some lilies, head-on shrimp, seabass, some nuts, kiwis, a bar of Toblerone for papa, took out the frozen Eng Bee Tin Hopia monggo and cooked some rice. I cooked the shrimp in garlic butter sauce and baked the seabass with salt, pepper, garlic, olive oil and lemon slices. It took me about 1-2 hours to do it. And when it was done, I placed them all on the table in front of your framed photos. And I wished you a happy birthday.

You smiled back at me from your photos and didn’t respond.

A sinking feeling came over me. It was as if I was waiting for something to happen, a continuation maybe. Honestly, maybe you appearing out of nowhere and suddenly being alive again. I think I have been silently waiting for this since you died.

The minutes passed and the feeling got heavier. And I didn’t know what to do in that flat, all alone, with this feeling becoming worse and worse. I didn’t want it to overwhelm me. I opened Youtube and started to sing to Celine Dion. Because You Loved Me. Over and over. I cried. I sang. I swallowed some tears. I saw a full bottle of wine by the telly, and I realised that I needed it to do something, to blur the edges. I opened it and poured myself a glass. Pain settled in my abdomen- the heat from the alcohol. I poured myself another glass of wine, looked at your smiling face on the photo. You continued smiling, and I continued drinking until my head felt heavy.

The glass smashed on the floor; I had moved my hand and it caught and it fell on the floorboards–thank God it was an empty so only a few drops fell and stained the wood. And I thought stupidly that it might be you, telling me to stop being silly. In defiance I just grabbed another wine glass from the cupboard and poured another one and downed it. And then I waited for the day to the pass and for Tom to come home. I posted something on instagram, something about how terrible it is down here without you. And I can’t remember what happened afterwards anymore. I think I was supposed to make dinner but was too tired so I asked Tom to get pizza. Did I get deliveroo? probably. Anyway, happy birthday Mama. Happy first birthday in Heaven.

Two days later it was my birthday and I woke up early, because like previous years Tom and I were going to London to celebrate my birthday. But it felt different; I was happy but not fully. There was this background blur. I felt like it was worse today than the day of your birthday. I got dozens of messages from different people, generic Facebook posts wherein they don’t even have to type anymore. Lovely messages from the People Who Matter who told me how much they loved me and missed me– I thought they were very sweet and they were really My People, and they brought tears to my eyes. But Tom had a full day planned, so off we went. And I just want to tell you about my day.

We left the house pretty early. 930am. we were on time. But the trains were delayed due to flooding and we waited for an hour before we got on to the 11 -something train to London. Finally we got to London Bridge and transferred tubes and got off Queensway. Tom had booked a table at Mandarin Kitchen, where I had my birthday last year as well. We ordered soup, salt and pepper baby squid, jellyfish with cucumber, pork mince with green beans, oyster omelette and of course, their special, ginger and spring onion Lobster noodles. It was so good Ma. I love that noodle dish so much, not just because of the lobster, but more so because of the noodles– like I told Tom, the lobster would be nothing without the noodles and the sauce. We took away what we didn’t finish– a bit of noodles and most of the oyster omelette (it was good and flavourful but a bit dry).

The waiter asked where I was from when we were paying for the bill and I said I was from the Philippines and he said “Filipino-Chinese?” and he’s the only one I think who has ever guessed it right. So I used a bit of my Mandarin knowledge and told him that I am Filipino Chinese but my Mandarin isn’t that great and he said it’s “not bad”. (Bu tsuo, he said.) And when he left Tom asked me what we had spoken about and I told him, “Oh I was just telling him how you paid for me through mail order bride” and then I checked myself and said “Plus size edition” and we both laughed.

Our tummies satiated we went out of Mandarin Kitchen and across to Hyde Park, where we walked though the autumn foliage. It was beautiful and peaceful and there were lots of dog walkers and their dogs. I took a couple of photos and a video of Tom and I walking and Tom being silly, as always.

We then got to the V&A Museum and had a lovely time exploring and looking at sculptures on the -1 floor. I saw the grandest carpet (Ardabit carpet) and old ceramics/furniture from different parts of Asia. I love museums Ma. I have always loved reading through each artwork’s definition and history. I know what I like by looking and feeling and that is the most “artistic” I will ever be. I mostly pass by artwork that I don’t like/doesn’t interest me and just linger on the artwork that catches my eye. I have always been intuitive this way.

I bought a Guidebook from the bookshop (it was lime green in colour) and then we headed off into the night (around 4pm, it was already getting dark and chillier) and headed to Covent Garden, where I wanted to go to Muji/Uniqlo. Once we got there we were running out of town so we just headed to Muji where I got some skincare stuff and used the self checkout counter but was annoyingly ‘helped’ by one of the employees. (there is a reason I went to the self checkout counter= minimal human interaction please! haha.)

Tom then reminded me that I could get free chocolates as it’s my birthday from Neuhaus. which is also in Covent Garden so we headed there. (I get yearly free ones since I buy from them from time to time). I got some Earl Grey chcocolate, yuzu chocolate, etc, and felt odd/ guilty walking out without paying or bothering to buy a proper one but I didn’t stew on it as we then had to go to Jollibee for dinner!

Jollibee was full and we got there around 630pm. We got excited and ordered quite a lot. I was annoyed at the fact that Tom had asked for thigh part and the server had said OK but then when it came they were spicy breast and wings. And we were also running out of time as we had to catch a play for 730pm. We did have just enough time to get to the theatre, which was a 3 minute walk from Jollibee. Tom had booked tickets for Agatha Christie’s the Mousetrap!!

The theatre was very old and we had seats at the Upper Circle but it was quite steep! Which initially annoyed me as I was a bit scared going down the steps to our seats and the seats were quite cramped with not enough legroom. I grumbled to Tom quite a bit and had a poor attitude but eventually when it became a bit more comfortable I did settle down and when it started I started to enjoy it. I did fall asleep for 10 minutes near the end. Tom told me what I missed after we came out of the theatre. We got to Victoria quite late and got home around 1230am I think? the latest we’ve gone home in a while.

I’m going to stop here as I am writing this in Kemptown bookshop and I’m getting a bit of a headache and need to lie down. But I guess Ma, this week was when it dawned at me that you might be irrevocably, absolutely physically gone. I never received a birthday message from you. And even though I had wonderful day, thanks to family, friends, and especially Tom, but it was also the saddest birthday I’ve ever had.

I miss you Ma. The tears came a lot this week. I feel emotionally exhausted but I am glad I was able to write today.

That’s how I spent my 35th. I can’t believe I am 5 years shy of 40. What you have done in your life and what I have done at this age is so different. I miss you terribly Ma.

Happy birthday to us. My diary entries, photos, memories and this blog is all I’ve got left of you.

Love, your daughter

Hershey