Dear Ave,

Happy birthday. On your first birthday in heaven, I want to let people know who you are.

Mama, you were always smiling. And laughing. and you were soft. You were soft inside and out. Or maybe that’s because you were with Papa, who was the toughest person I’ve ever met. Or so I thought. Now I realise I got it mixed. And that you were really the tough one, while Papa was the soft one.

For it takes strength to love so many kids, and so many other people. It takes strength to love, and to be hurt and to forgive.

And that’s what you did. That’s what you were best at. No matter how much people hurt you, you always forgave. No matter how disappointed you were, you always welcomed back and loved.

I miss your laugh. I miss talking to you so much.

Whenever I went home we would always go shopping, and you would always still buy me clothes, shoes, things that I wanted, no matter how old I was. And when you died, these items became my most precious items because they came from you. A Zara coat, a Zara dress, Melissa shoes, a Herschel bag, a sewing kit; nothing luxurious or extravagant, but these are the things I will treasure forever, because it came from you. I will forever feel beautiful wearing the jewelleries you gave me.

I miss your cooking so much. No one will ever cook as well as you do. Your caldereta, kare-kare, sinigang, kiampeng, ma-kut. To be honest I have not tasted anything the same as your cooking since I left home. And all the food just pale in comparison these days.

I have dreamt of you so many times since you died, and you are always smiling in my dreams. But in all those dreams before, I couldn’t touch you. I daren’t reach out and feel you because I knew if I did, I would wake up and realise it was a dream, and I never wanted to wake up when I was dreaming of you. I wanted to stay in that dream and be with you.

But last week, in my dreams, I did. I touched you and felt your hand for a second. And I woke up smiling and crying at the same time.

You told me when you were still here that you always dreamt of Guama and Guakong especially when their birthdays are coming up. And I dreamt of you last week. We are cut from the same cloth, after all.

What a privilege to be able go home and look after you, and to be with you during the last 6 weeks of your life. Even in those weeks, you waited. You waited til everyone was around you, and then you left. Nothing short of a miracle, Mama. In the end, there are only three things I want to say: I am sorry, I love you and thank you.

I really really wish there is an afterlife, because I want to see you and be with you again. And they say that if you believe hard enough, it will come true.

So here I am, believing.

I will believe until the rest of my life.

I hope you are having fun up there.

Always, your daughter,

Hershey

(I can’t make it better than this today mama. I can’t make the paragraphs all fit together and make sense. I am a bit tired of thinking and feeling. I cried so hard yesterday. It’s been so tough. But also it’s been good with Tom. He’s always making me laugh. How can my life be good when you are gone? I miss you so so much and I just can’t put my thoughts together well enough for me to write what I really want to say.)