Dear Ave,

All I’ve done for the past 3 months is go to work, read, and eat. Snuggling beside Tom at night and waking up naturally on my days off is my life’s ultimate pleasure these days. I have eaten more and more carbs and slept so much more and have dreamt to many things. I have gained 6kg since March 2024 and it shows. I feel sluggish, uninspired, and I am surviving by pretending I am OK. Most days I think I have mastered the art of pretending. Only Tom knows and sees how I am at home, and even then I think I am a different person when I am completely alone.

I’m not as affected anymore-meaning, I dont bawl my tears just with sudden thoughts of you anymore. In fact, I think my coping mechanism has been not to think of you. There is a resignation deep within me, and I am aware that an outer shell has appeared, which is hard and difficult, unyielding, and angry. What is effort and what is hope and why do they matter? When I go outside, I feel as if I am an alien, I’m not really a part of this whole human tapestry with all these positive emotions. I see all these people, and most of them irritate me. Their youth, their happiness, their eager faces showing hope and energy. I find myself isolating, my thoughts becoming more vicious, a simmering anger just underneath, but more of a massive, overwhelming and gaping sadness.

I am human, and I feel the need to come back to the light. Will this day the the day that I dont stay at home, watch Netflix and order massive amounts of food on deliveroo? Is this the day I go back to my cardiac exercises and get some yogurt and fruits from the supermarkets and have that instead of a big meal with rice? All of this sounds so shallow, but I have always hidden behind food. I dont know how else to deal with this. I am lucky to have a house, Tom, my siblings (hopefully my brother gets out of hopsital soon), a good job. I am lucky to be alive, able to see, hear, feel, walk. I need to get out to nature more. Mama, I wish everyday that you were still here, but sometimes there’s anger and pain and regret and despair as well. Hopefully one day I will write about you in a more sensible way, not just these ramblings on this blog (that hopefully not much people read). One day hopefully I am going to make sense of these major things– Papa’s death, my surgery, your death, and how it really affected my life. Should I speak to a therapist now? I’ve always been so averse to telling a complete stranger my life- I have found oversharing your problems so gaudy, tacky. I don’t know. I am consistently changing, everyday. My moods change, but this past three months, this feeling of just trying to survive has stayed the same.

I have read a lot of books this year, and I just want to list them down. I don’t know why, I guess I think this is an accomplishment, me going back to what I used to do when I was younger. Reading and reading and reading in my room, everywhere. I have a sudden thirst again. Although I would call most of them light, entertaining reads, they are exactly what I need at the moment.

1. Being Mortal-Atul Gawande, on my Kindle. Was reading this all throughout stay in Manila. Very insightful about how our healthcare is still so much lacking when it comes to dying, and how people care about the Story of their life.
2. Loss by Donna Ashworth. Helped me so much. The poems seemed to speak to me and understand me.
3. The Guest List by Lucy Foley- re-read this again. Quick easy entertaining read.
4. The Word is Murder by Anthony Horowitz- Smart detective story, wordplay involved.
5. The Hunting Party by Lucy Foley- I like the way Lucy’s books are so readable.
6. Just between Us by Adele Parks
7. Both of You by Adele Parks- I am happy to have discovered her. Her characters come to life with details and she has a knack for taking you for a ride in her stories.
8. The Children Act by Ian McEwan- good serious read. watched the move with Emma Thompson and I thought it was good but did not really capture most of the subtle hidden contexts (I dont even know how to say what I am trying to say) of the book
9. Julie Naked by Nick Hornby- my introduction to Nick Hornby. Lighthearted and funny dialogue, learned about musicians. Movie is on my list. It stars Rosie Byrne and Chris O’Dowd, two actors that I really love! Rosie for her classic beauty and previous roles, Chris for his unconventional handsomeness, stature and Irishness.
10. The Maid by Nita Prose- a whodunit with a nerurodivergent(?) lead character

Currently reading:

1. Great Expectations by Charles Dickens-still on my side table. I am going through this verty, very slowly and seasonal-ly. I’m pretty sure I need to restart this as I have forgotten most of what Pip has been up to.
2. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett- a classic that I can pick up anytime. I have the V&A special Puffin Classics Edition as well! but sadly got a bit wet so have a the pages have a dried-out texture.
3. Lord of Scoundrels by Loretta Chase- a steamy historical romance. Enough Said. I used to read them a lot. Judith McNaught’s Kingdom of Dreams and Once and Always were a fave.
4. Looking Good Dead by Peter James- picked this up during my break at the A&E Staff room. His detective stories are based in Brighton, where I live. Now very interested!

Until my next letter. Love you Mama.

Love, Hershey