Dear Ave,

I went home to see you, but I didn’t expect to leave with you gone.

So many things happened in the last weeks of your life. All I can write about is what happened with us. And I’m not ready to write about all of it. But there are things that I never want to forget. And I’m going to write them down.

1. The look on your face when you saw me after I had surprised you at home. The soft “ay”, the laughter, the hug, the tears. The moment we sat down on the couch and held hands, and you not talking, just looking at me as if you couldn’t believe I was there. You saying, “Akala ko hindi na tayo magkikita.” (I thought we wouldn’t see each other again)
2. Bathing you at 6 in the morning. I would encourage you to do it as you could still move and I was worried you would deteriorate if you stopped moving. But you just let me carry on. In hindsight I think you just wanted me to look after you. We would use your Aveeno body wash and you were always so particular about your back. You were always very clean. I remember washing the folds of your mastectomy site and thinking if you weren’t hurting. I was always worried you’d slip after bathing.
3. Sleeping beside you, with our hands interlocked. I have always liked cuddling and I slept hugging you. Watching Celine Dion and Andre Rieu concert on the telly with you. You loved watching those fishermen from Palawan. Celine Dion is your favorite, you sang to her songs, and with Andre Rieu you said “ang sasaya nila oh” (“they’re so happy”).
4. You going to the kitchen to “timpla” the sinigang sa bayabas after the maid had cooked it. This is the last “timpla” you made for me.
5. Asking me to come home and look after you the day after I left the house. Me saying, “not tonight” because I was so emotional and stressed after days of being with you and seeing you not talking, not coming out of your room, hiding in the dark, not talking to me or asking about me. I just saw it all from my point of view: I’d gone home after my heart surgery to be with you and you didn’t even ask how I was, how my recovery was. etc.
6. The fights/arguments we had. the day we were supposed to go to the mall, the one with the corned beef, the last one where I left the house. Asking me to come home, telling you “Di na muna.”
7. The day Dichi and I brought you in hospital; at first you didn’t want to, but you did eventually; finding out you had water in your lungs that was causing your cough and shortness of breath, tearful by your bedside.
8. The time you asked the carer to wake me up because the oxygen pressure was too high. And I asked the Pulmo staff to bring it down
9. You taking your meds still, til the day before you died. You wanted to live so much
10. The first pigtail insertion. the second pigtail insertion- the second one was more painful. You were more irritable. and I felt that you trusted me less. (one time you went to the toilet too many times because I had given you a suppository)
11. When your nasal cannula had ridden up your chin and I saw it and laughed; and you laughed and I asked you why you were laughing and you said “kasi pnagtatawanan mo un oxygen ko”
12. Saying “Ma, I love you” and you nodding. Once. And then saying “I love you so much” and you nodding again.
13. When your BP dropped and your dyspnea got worse, while we were doing all sorts of diagnostics on you, I told you to just look at me. And you did. Keep looking at me.
14. Holding my face in your hands and saying “Ikaw na bahala”
15. You telling me how beautiful I was. “ang ganda mo ngayon” at home. in the living room. and then again, in the hospital. You pointed at me and you said, “Eto din maganda”.
16. When they were putting BIPAP on you. And thats the only time I cried. And when they removed it, you said, “Wag kang iiyak”. while staring at me in the eyes.
17. That time we had an argument and after you came from from your Chinese herbal doctor appt you went to the room I was in and we stayed there and hugged and talked and cried.

Today was bad Mama, like the other days. It’s the easter holiday and it’s the first time without you. You were always religious, you and Papa. I was telling Tom earlier that I can’t do it. I still can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. Everything still seems so bleak. This was after I’d just slept. My eyes hurt from crying. I miss you so much and I still wish you were alive. I feel so lonely, being so faraway from home. Please help me be strong. I love you Mama.

Love,

Hershey