Dear Ave,

You died around 2:40pm on a Friday afternoon, a day before Chinese New Year. I do not remember the weather, even though everyday that we were in hospital I would lift up the blinds and look out. I remember mostly sunny days while we were there. I think it was sunny too when you died. I would’ve noticed if it was raining or if there was a storm or the weather was ugly.

You died with all of us there, including your sister and a few nieces. You took your last breath with my Dichi beside you. You waited for me and my other sister to arrive. I remember getting off the lift, seeing my sister’s panicked face gesturing towards me, me rushing towards the room, getting the stethoscope, listening to your heart, feeling your chest, feeling your carotid pulse. Only a few seconds had passed when you had taken your last breath. I like to think you waited for me and my sister and your son-in-law. You waited a lot durng your last few days, you know. You waited for everyone to get back. You waited for Yaya to come back from holiday, you waited for my sisters to come back from their trips abroad, you waited for me to have my big heart operation and to come home.

It was early December 2023 when we found out your cancer had spread. And the moment Achi sent me the PET scan report, I knew it was bad. It had spread and there was bone involvement. Being a nurse, I knew what that meant. I remember feeling extremely upset the week before you had your PET scan: it was our birthday week, I was 7 weeks post-op, and three times that week I was like a child, throwing tantrums because I just wanted to teleport back to you and hug you. I missed you and needed you so much that week. I remember visiting Stella, Tom’s nan, and just crying all the way to her house.

I remember feeling that I needed to go home as soon as possible. But my heart rate was still fast even when I wasn’t doing anything. So I had to have some tests done, but despite it being fast, I booked a ticket for Deceember 24. I planned to surprise you. And even though I had such separation anxiety from Tom, who looked after me all throughout my heart op, I felt that coming home was what my heart really needed and wanted. I had a photo of you and me in my diary, and I remember looking at it frequenty on the plane. I wrote on my diary about how happy and excited I would be to see your face, but also how I would cry a lot and feel lots of things. I remember thinking that this might be the last time that I would see you again. When the plane’s wheels landed on the tarmac, I felt like sobbing. I felt so relieved.

I was so tired I couldn’t think of a better way to surprise you, so I just stayed in the living room at home and waited for you to come back from Padre Pio in Libis. When you came in, as you were taking off your shoes, I said Merry Christmas from behind. and you turned around, gasped, “ay”, looked so happy and then hugged me. My sister was filiming it but something happened to her phone and it got cut off just at the part where you started crying while hugging me, and saying you were going to die soon.

I reemember sittting on the sofa with you, our hands intertwined, and how you kept looking at me with tearful, disbelieving eyes, as if you couldn’t believe I was there in front of you. My Achi later told me that you had asked if I wasn’t coming home, and when she asked why, you said, “Gusto ko sya mayakap at mahalikan.” (I want to hug and kiss her). I don’t remember much of what happened this day anymore, or what we said to each other. All that mattered was I was finally home with you.

I miss you so much Mama. I will write again soon,

Love, Hershey